she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
its liver damage thursday
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