Just cropdusted the office
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
So. Camera broke because I tried to wash it under the sink, kristi had to take me home and I woke up to my computer showing me that I googled how t take more than one shot at a time. I'd say the night was a success.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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