sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
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Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
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