Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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