Yo dont text me then not text me
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
