Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Randomize
