the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
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i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
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My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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