The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Four minutes until I can fart!
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
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