Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Randomize
