I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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