I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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