you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
