I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
