I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Randomize
