somebody snuck up and got me drunk
forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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