Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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