@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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