so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
