Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
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