I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
