Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
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