sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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