Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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