at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Randomize
