I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
