I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
