By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Randomize
