i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
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