so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
You made out with two different species that night
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
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