There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
