Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
