just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
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