I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
