I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Randomize
