I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
What a dumb baby whore.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize