I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
3pm strippers are depressing
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Randomize
