Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
i wish my penis had a tongue
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I'm at about main and main street
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
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