I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
