Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
