The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
