I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
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