I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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