i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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