Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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