She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
i drank out of a bidet.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
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