Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Randomize
