I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
