Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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