ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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