He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
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