We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Randomize
