I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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