I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
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