You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
15 Ridiculous Ways Broke People Managed to Make a Buck
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
These 27 C*ck Blocks Are Savage AF
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?