One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
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