It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
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Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
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I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Dick very happy bro
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
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