She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
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thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
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If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.