Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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