I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Randomize
